I am not perfect. I just need to get that out of the way in case anyone was wondering. I try so hard to have a decent relationship. I lack trust, but I feel that I have my reasons. It just seems like she is not even trying to have a relationship with me. It seems like she does not want a relationship. That I am sure of, because she has said in the past that she hates "marriage". Not that our marriage is SO BAD (although it could most definitely be better), but she says she just hates the idea of marriage. I saw some pictures that I did not want to see. I liked it better when I didn't know what she did when she goes out. The pictures weren't THAT bad. Just her acting crazy, drinking a bit, and acting more crazy. But what scares me was thinking, "Now, what was she doing when someone wasn't taking a picture." Like I said, I lack trust. Her friends are immature, childish, dramatic, and I sincerely dislike them. Some of her friends are ok, but that is it.
I have no opinion, no input, no thoughts. At least that is what it seems to be what she is thinking. Letting people come over and waltz right in the door without telling me or even letting me know. Saying that she will get a cat from someone without letting me know. Do I not even exist to her? Where do I stand in that world of hers?
Do I love her? Oh goodness yes. This is what makes it so so hard. I have been really hurt by her before, but something "came up" and we got back together. But did we do it for the right reason? Unfortunately I don't believe we did. The one and only person I have ever loved seems so different after these years. Just me thinking of not being with her, or of us getting divorced or separated brings tears to my eyes. How does it go? "Till death do us part." This is what I dream of, but am I kidding myself. This may seem funny or awkward, but have you ever seen "Forgetting Sarah Marshall"? Remember when Sarah Marshall broke up with the guy, then he ended up going to hawaii, and crying and bawling half the time he was there? Well that would be me. Sure, call me a girl, call me a wimp, call me whatever you want. But when you love someone so much, and they don't love you back like that....it hurts. Don't get me wrong, she does so so much for our family, but it seems like it is just for our child. I think all this friggin school has something to do with it. I have been doing school for the past 6 years (college), and I am just sick of it. I want time. Time to relax, time to spend with my family.
Perhaps I am not trying hard enough. We do not go out much. We have such conflicting schedules. I would love to go out with her, but we do not like the same things. She likes to dance and go clubbing. I like to...well...to be honest, I have no clue what I like, but I am no dancing or clubbing person. Should I make myself be that type of person? Do I change myself for her? She accepts that we do not have common interests, but of course she is still going to go out and have fun. If she did not hang with those people, I would probably go to.
No one ever go to Pensacola Christian College. I met her at PCC along with many other good people. She was so beautiful, and definitely still is. But the thing about PCC is that there are too many rules. You do not know who is "real" and who isn't "real". Some people obey the rules, but are completely and utterly different outside of college. Some people think that they have fallen in love, but in reality they are loving someone that does not even exist.
However, I must keep it all together. I must not think about divorce or separation. I must do this for Mady. I do not want my child living and growing up in a broken home and will do whatever it takes to make that not happen. Will I change myself? I certainly hope not. Will everything stay the same? I hope not again. Do I have regrets? Of course I do, but I am in love with my girls, my wife and my baby girl. I love them so much and do not want anything drastic to happen. I love them so much and do not want to get hurt again. It hurts so bad just to think about something like that. I wish I could move away and start all over with our little family. I wish I could not be living in Newport News. I wish I could get a deskjob in a good city or town that is not so ghetto. Maybe if he have a new place to live, and a new career, and new everything, things will be better. I can only dream. My wife is my love and I will always love her. I am just not sure if that will help me now, or hold me back in the future. If we were to separate, or perhaps divorce. I would have to move. I do not know where, but somewhere. I will not be able to stand the sight of her. Not because I would hate her or anything like that, but because I would love her and I would know that she isn't "mine" anymore. It would be hard for me in the near or far future to see her with someone else and NOT beat that someone else up. I couldn't stand seeing her and knowing that we are no longer together. I have to keep it together not only for me, but for my girls. Something needs to change. I don't know what, but something needs to change.
