i'm sick

I am just sick of being replaced by...well...everything. I am replaced by friends, replaced by nails, random dinners, random outings, random workouts. I know this will happen, but can't she friggin wait until she is gone and until we are actually separated and divorced? This is beyond rude. This is friggin ridiculous. She wants freedom, then she can have her friggin freedom. But freedom comes at a price. This is no patriotic speech. She works out one day, then goes out another day, then has dinner with friends another day, then hangs with friends the next day, then works out the next day. So let me get this straight. I see her when I wake up to go to work. She is sleeping in the bed when I leave. That is it. Nothing else. I understand this has to happen, but at least have the common courtesy to wait and live your "freedom" when you are out. She sees mady a couple hours in the morning, and that is it. By the time she gets home and is done working and hanging out with all her immature and childish friends, mady is sleeping in bed. Parents are required to make sacrifices am i right? I know I am. How is it that I am making all the sacrifices. I want to go out, I want to hang with people from work when they invite me, i want to workout and have a life. But she is not making any sacrifices. She does what she wants. So I not only have the responsibility to stay home and be with my girl but i also have an obligation to do it. Don't get me wrong, i love being with my baby girl, but we all need a break every once in a while. If she is not going to help, then fine, let her do her little "i wanna be single and be 'free' and independent" things. Like, seriously? Are you serious right now? When are her and her friends ever going to friggin grow up?! This is driving me incredibly insane. I just want to cancel her phone, and kick her out and let her live that life of hers and never hear from her or talk to her again. But i can't do that no matter how much i want to. She is the mother of my child.

She says we are still friends. It did not work out so well last time. The more I was aware of her existence and doings, the more bitter and angry and sad I was. There were so many mixed feelings. There were/are times where I want to help her...so she can finally leave me and be independent. There are times when I start thinking about our past and just end up crying because I love(d) her so much and I do not want to throw that away. There are times where I never want to see her again. Is it not important for spouses to have respect for each other and their opinions? Why has my opinion never mattered to her? Why did she never ask me before she invited people over or before she made plans?

She says she has NEVER thought that we were right for each other. Then why the HELL did you use me like this? Why would you say you loved me when you really just couldn't leave because you couldn't afford it. This is no friggin joke. She said the only reason we are together is because she could not afford to live on her own. Wow. That makes me feel so good.

So now you have just a tiny peek inside my life....just a tiny one tho

confusion sucks

The title says it all. I do not want things to change so much after this. Do not get me wrong, things will change, but some things must stay the same due to certain circumstances. I do not want this to end badly. I do not want me to end up being mad and feel that I need to move far far away. Mady is my priority and I will cooperate and do whatever I need to for her to be as happy as she can be. I want the girls I love to be happy. If my wife "needs" to leave and find herself, or work out issues she has, or be independent, or do whatever she feels she has to do, then I will not stop her. I do not like to see anyone suffer or have a lack of happiness on my account. Things will be the same, but things will be different. It is very hard for me to explain, so I am sorry if you are confused. I must remember to look to God during this. I hope that I will not just say this now, and do something completely different when it...happens. I hope she finds what she is looking for, and I hope that I can get my priorities straight and get back to walking with God. He understands me so much, why wouldn't I want to walk with Him.

Confusion sucks, but I have to learn to deal with it, and move on. I do not believe this whole....incidence has phased me yet. There have been days at work if I start thinking about what will happen, I literally start crying and have to go hide for a couple minutes and get a hold on myself. I must stay strong, not just for me, but for my little girl. She is my everything.

almost here

A new beginning and a sad sad ending all at the same time. It is almost here. I can feel it within the deep torn and cracked crevasses of my heart. I have had this feeling before, and just pushed it aside. Unfortunately I cannot push this feeling aside, because this is the real deal. It is coming, and you may or may not know when it hits, but I will most certainly know. It will be the day that this feeble heart of mine finally pulls the plug on itself. The pain is too much to bear. What's next?

the whole shabang

I forced us into this marriage. Whatever happens tomorrow and however long in the future, it is all my fault. I love her so so much, but I cannot see her like this. I just want her to be happy, whatever it takes. This heart of mine is taking a beating. Is it her fault? No, it is both of our faults. It is just so hard to let go, especially when you think you can make everything work. I do not put forth the effort I should in this relationship. She needs to "find herself". I am not necessarily mad, just....sad. Sad that I got us into this. Sad that she feels the way she does. Sad that her relationship with her family is not what it should be. Sad that she is sad. There is one thing I hate more than anything in the world, and that is to see the ones I love crying. It brings so many painful tears to my eyes to know that someone I love is hurt or sad. Let it be known that I cannot fix all my mistakes. I wish I could. I wish I knew what to do so I can just make all of this better. She is my first true love and I just do not want to let go. But sometimes in life, we don't get what we want. I do not want her to live a life that she does not want to live. Sure we are just on this planet for a little bit until we all go to heaven and praise the Almighty God, but I do not want this one life we live on earth to be a "waste" in anyone's eyes.

Dear God,

Lord, I need You when the sea of life is calm.
O Lord, I need You when the wind is blowing strong.
Whether trials come or cease, keep me always on my knees.
Lord, I need You. Lord I need You.


This song by Ron Hamilton says so much. Pay close attention to the third line. "Whether trials come or cease..." This has been my life story for a bit. I have so many problems and worries, but then they disappear for a bit, and then they reappear. This roller coaster is making me sick -- physically, mentally, and emotionally. I just want to get off this roller coaster and go home. 


This life stuff is just too hard many times....




I just love her too too much.