music is awesome

I LOVE music! Music can either calm me down, or break me down. Both kinda good. If I am going through a hard time, not only do I turn to God, but I turn to music. Now, I am not saying that music is a god to me. I am just saying it helps so much. I say it can break me down because sometimes I am just at the brink. That edge where I jump off the cliff into Jesus's arms or fall onto the jagged rocks of life. It is not a bad breakdown, it is just....a release of all my stress I have. I know I sound kind of pathetic, but I have always had a passion for music. Ever since I was a little kid, I loved to sing and play piano and make an effort at the guitar. I wish I had my piano. I would be playing that non-stop all day every day. Ok, so I would stop, but I think you get the point. Oh you have no idea how much I miss playing piano for the youth group and in church. I would give just about anything if I could get back into that. It can be all types of music. Mostly it is the Christian music that I love, but even classical music I love too. I LOVE the feeling when I am listening or playing music on piano (playing rarely happens) and I just close my eyes while listening or playing, and I get chills throughout my whole body. This may sound weird, but I think it is God moving in me. I know that probably sounds ridiculous. But I think it is a reminder from God saying that He is still here with me.

Music is just...amazing

oh i am such a horrible person (sarcasm)

Ok, so this child, Brynn I mean, is so immature. So she gets a second job and needs to work on her Sunday with Mady. Brynn says she will pick Mady up at 6 pm and I am perfectly fine with it. The more I see of Mady, the better. Well, before she is supposed to pick up Mady, she asks if I can just have her this weekend, and switch with her next weekend. I said I could do that. Next thing i know she stops to pick up Mady; i was confused and said i thought we switched. She was under the assumption I said that she can pick up mady tonight AND have Mady on my sunday next weekend. I disagreed and said if she picks mady up tonight, she can't have mady next weekend; and if she didn't pick her up tonight, then she can have her next weekend. She became furious and asked why I can't be flexible. Can you imagine that? The person who puts her 2 jobs before her daughter saying I am not too flexible. I have plenty of overtime offers at work, but I do not choose to work because I want to be with my daughter. She then gets mad at me and says that I am so argumentative and calls me dumb and an a**hole. Oh, and might I say, she says this all in front of Mady. And she flicks me off on the way out. Like really? How immature can a person be? This is ridiculous. She is trying to place ALLLLLL the blame on me for her crappy work schedule. I told her she should have said UP FRONT when she went to get interviewed what hours she could work. But whatever. I am starting to get so upset and impatient with her. When is she going to grow up!? Like really, how hard is it to grow up and accept all her PARENTAL responsibility. Oh yay, she is independent and can have a couple jobs....but what about Mady. It is nice you are supposedly doing this for Mady, but I would never get a job, or 2 jobs, where I would give up the little time i already have with my daughter. But whatever, it is her loss. I love my little girl, and will go through any kind of pain and suffering for my daughter. She is my everything. I just wish her mommy could be more of a mommy.

so um..

So I recently got rotated to the aircraft carrier, Theodore Roosevelt. This is my least favorite rotation. All it is is ripping old stuff out and replacing it with new stuff, but how i feel about this rotation is a whole nother blog. lol


So the co-worker i was working with today is (i am pretty sure) an Atheist. I say i am pretty sure because i think he told me he is, but not sure if i heard him right. anyway, i need prayer. He tells me of times where jehovah's witnesses have come to the door and how they said God creating everything. The question he had for them was if God created everything, then why did He create sin? The JW's were stumped. This is where I came in. I told him that God made man, and He gave man free will. Man chose sin. Well, my co-worker didn't say too much on that topic after I said that. But anyway, I really hope I can help him see the truth.

that's it....i've had enough

Ok. I have had enough. Brynn and I were "ok", but of course she had to go and do something stupid. I am coming back from Virginia Beach from visiting my family. I let Brynn borrow the laptop earlier so she could do picture stuff. I tell her a couple minutes beforehand that I will be at her place to pick up the laptop. I knock and it took her forever to let me in. BTW, earlier she said she was going to take a nap on the couch. So, I go in one of the rooms and find a little friggin Mexican friend of hers crouched down hiding in her closet. wtf. She says she didn't do anything and swore she didn't, but no way in hell do I believe her. She just thought it would be awkward if I walked in seeing him there. Yeah, that is definitely not as awkward as finding him hiding in her closet. She has been lying to me our whole relationship. She does not deserve to ever have Mady. But I cannot bring Mady into this. This has nothing to do with Mady. This just has to do with Brynn being a total b**** who is so full of herself and only cares about herself. I have been the nicest person, but those damn days are over now. No more pity, no more generosity, and no more tolerance. I cannot take this anymore, and I won't take it anymore. I really wanted to punch the douchebag guy in the face. He was on the ground in the closet and I could have easily knocked him out.....EASILY...but I didn't.   I did get my knuckles bloody. I had to hit something....so I punched her wall and put a hole in it. I usually would say I am sorry for doing that, but not this time. I needed to punch something, and it wasn't a person...so I think I did good. Any friendship we had is done. We will try to be nice to each other when we drop off/pick up mady...but that is it. We need time...time apart. I don't even want to be around her. I don't even want to be her "acquaintance". I just want to move away with my daughter and start fresh.

this "relationship" was such a waste of 5 years

the only thing i loved about it was the fact we got Mady out of it.....that is it....nothing else

a lot of people say live with no regrets....well i say that is bullcrap. I regret everything except anything that has to do with Mady.

There is so much more that people do not know.....

can't sleep

So i am hurting so much tonight. We had a conversation. She says she felt ignored years ago. Regardless if she is telling the truth or not, I believe her...and I just wish I knew. I wish she told me she felt ignored. I wish I didn't let all the sacrifices I made get in the way of what was really important. I am not saying all of this is my fault, but I will say that I didn't help it much. I doubt we would have had a relationship if she did talk to me those years back tho. She still says she never wanted a relationship. She still says she loves me but just because you love someone doesn't mean you belong with them. She still says she never wanted or wants to be in a relationship.

On a different note, kinda...I feel so bad for her. Her family "hates" her. I don't mean like full out hate, but they like me more than her. That is kind of understandable because of what she is doing. However, they show no love towards her. No love whatsoever. I couldn't imagine my family turning on me or not even loving me even if I did make a bad mistake. I have no respect for her parents. The other day, Brynn's mom was on the phone with mady and told mady to do whatever she wanted in life because she would end up rebelling against her mommy like mommy did to her parents. Now, I know this might sound harsh, but I literally want to buy a plane ticket to where they live and beat the living daylights out of them. How DARE they say that to our child. Regardless of all that is happening between me and brynn, how DARE they try and drag Mady into this. The friggin nerve. If it was solely up to me, they would never see mady again; and they will never see her again...not on my watch. Brynn's parents are control freaks. They think they are right about everything. They think they are doing the right thing by calling Brynn up and yelling at her constantly. She knows what she did.....now just stop. Same thing happened when they found out Brynn was pregnant. They called her and me up and yelled at both of us. There was no talking, no calm-ness, no being adults; they were just yelling and yelling and yelling. Until her parents grow up, I will not let them see Mady on my watch. If Mady is with Brynn and they want to see Mady and Brynn lets them, then whatever. But if they get near our child with me around, i will just not allow it. Just one text from Brynn really got to me (I will "bleep" out the bad words). Here is a little context. I said that she didn't understand how i felt (this was after our phone conversation and nearing end of texting conversation); she texts, "Why would you think I don't understand? I have been *friggin* beat down by the people who are supposed to always love you - family. Why the *frick* would you think I don't know what its like to be not wanted by someone you desperately want to want you." Again, Brynn is not going on the right path, but there is a line LOVING parents should not cross, and not only are her parents crossing the line, they are trampling and spitting on that line. One of the first things they said to us when they found out about pregnancy was "how do you think this will make us look in church?" so incredibly self-centered parents.

This may sound weird, but I hate that I love(d) her so much. It just makes all of this so much worse

...

I am surrounded by so many people that love me.
Whether they are friends or family,
But why do I still feel so alone?

I know the Lord is with me always.
He will never leave my side,
But I cannot help this hurt, this pain.

That painful feeling inside of me
Goes to the very core of my heart,
And it burns.

I have talked to loved ones
And asked for prayer too,
But I still feel the need to talk to someone.

So now what do I do?
Do I wait for an answer
Or must I go find one?



I know without a doubt in my mind that I am saved by the grace of God. I know that I am free and saved from eternal damnation. And I know that when I day or when the Lord comes back I will be at those pearly gates. I will be in heaven with the One and Only Jesus Christ.


But why do I feel so incredibly alone in this world?

i hate...being wrong

I hate that I cannot imagine my life without her. I hate it how I am so mad at her, and so mad at some of the immature things she does, but I still cannot get her off my mind. She says she wants to be independent, but I cannot help but want to help her. I hate it that I care about her so much. I hate it that I love(d) her so much. I hate that I want to see her succeed in life. I hate that she is so "fine" with all of this. I hate how all of this madness does not even seem to sadden her. I hate how she doesn't seemed hurt from this. I hate the truth. I hate how the one time I knew that she was telling the truth was when she said she wanted to leave me. I hate how I gave up everything, but am not the one hurting. I hate how the good guys finish last. I hate knowing what my future consists of.....or in this case, doesn't consist of. I hate the hurt and the pain. I hate the feeling of holding tears back. I hate the loneliness. I hate that I do not come home to a loving wife everyday. All I wanted was to be loved back. I did not think that was too much to ask for from the woman I love(d) more than anything. I guess... I was wrong.

just pointing out

I am just going to point out that you really need to read one of Brynn's quotes. It is awesome. The fourth "favorite quote" on her facebook page: "i hate comittment but i love pretending like i might follow through."  This all just one big game or joke to her. 

the nerve

The nerve she has to bring her drinking buddy, Robbie, to help her move. "Ok Jeremy, meet Robbie, ya know, this is the guy a drink with every night when I go out and leave you and Mady." The extremely minute amount of trust I have had in her is gone. There is no trust. There is no love (even though for her there probably never was any). Why is it that I made every possible sacrifice, and I am the one getting hurt? I just don't get it.

well

Last night was hard. Last night was the last night we will be together. It was really hard on me. It is hard just to write this. There will be no more nights, or days for that matter, together with my first and only love........

I just wish...

I just wish she would grow up. It is July 14th, and she is out at the club again. It is ladies night there. She first tried to tell me that there wouldn't be guys there, but I am not dumb. I know that ladies get in free on ladies night. Guys can still get in. I hate how she dresses. She dresses like a lost little teenage girl. She had a mini-skirt/blouse/dress, or whatever it is called. Too "mini" for my taste. At least too "mini" for other people to see her. I hate knowing what she is doing, where she is going, what she is wearing, etc. I hate it, but she was/is my wife. How come she is the one leaving, and the one who gave up everything to try and make his family happy, and safe, and everything is the only one feeling the hurt. She has NO idea what this is like. She is the one doing the leaving, NOT me. Imagine if she actually loved me. She said she did, but after hearing her say that she NEVER thought we should be together, I don't really believe it. Imagine if she was in so much love with me, and then one day I tell her that I am going to leave. She asks "why?", and i would say, because i care more about myself. I love my baby girl, but sometimes, i just hate being the mature one because the mature and responsible one is always the one who gets hurt.

welp...

she's going out again tonight. i don't get it. why won't she just grow up?? why does she continue to live a single life, when she is not single, and has responsibility. she has gone out every night this week so far, and probably some of last week too. i lose count. i just don't get it. i can't say i won't stay, because i will, and even if i didn't watch mady, she would get some random person to come watch her. whatevs

i can't

i can't do this for much more. i don't deserve this. i gave up everything and what does she do? she leaves and drinks with some guys. i gave up EVERYTHING. i hate hurting like this.

July 8th

She was gone all evening. Went out to eat with friends and Mady. she comes home with alcohol, and takes leaves again, taking the alcohol with her. she is supposedly going to a bar, but who takes alcohol to a bar? going out with one of her girlfriends and some guy. typical





oh, and by going out with one of her girlfriends, she meant one of her girlfriends is going to drop her off to hang and drink with guys....


i hate knowing this stuff, but i am always curious. Curious if she is cheating, curious about everything. i can't help it. i loved her, and am having a hard time letting go. and only to come and find out she never thought we belonged together ever.our whole relationship....was a sham

Let it all out

"Let It All Out"

Let it all out
Get it all out
Rip it out remove it
Don't be alarmed
When the wound begins to bleed

Cause we're so scared to find out
What this life's all about
So scared we're going to lose it
Not knowing all along
That's exactly what we need

And today I will trust you with the confidence
Of a man who's never known defeat
But tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
I will stare at you in disbelief
Oh, inconsistent me
Crying out for consistency

[Chorus:]
And you said I know that this will hurt
But if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
The end will justify the pain it took to get us there

And I'll let it be known
At times I have shown
Signs of all my weakness
But somewhere in me
There is strength

And you promise me
That you believe
In time I will defeat this
Cause somewhere in me
There is strength

And today I will trust you with the confidence
Of a man who's never known defeat
And I'll try my best to just forget
That that man isn't me

[Chorus x2]

Reach out to me
Make my heart brand new
Every beat will be for you
For you

And I know you know
You touched my life
When you touched my heavy heart and made it light 




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9rUtyfB6gVU

seriousnsess

Seriousness. It doesn't exist to her. Everything serious I say to her, she just responds with a laugh and a "LOL". Why do I continue to let her stay here? Why don't I kick her out. She deserves worse than that, much worse. Why can't she accept the fact that she has responsibility of being a parent, and stop being self-centered? ERG GROW UP!

just sayin

She is like a single...married person. She is married, but lives the single life. I am not dissin the single life. However, I am dissing people who have, or should have, a more responsible adult life, but still live the single life. Just grow up already and accept that you aren't single and "free" anymore.


She went out Sunday night (July 3rd), and I think she took alcohol with her, but not sure. She went to a friend's house and stayed there all night with other friends. So here is my perspective....she was drinking all night. She was drinking all night with some girlfriends. She was drinking all night with guys too. Gee, kinda makes ya wonder. Again, She went out tonight (July 6th). It is her birthday tomorrow, but yet again she goes out enough. She left with practically a whole bottle of wine. I tell her I do not want alcohol in my fridge, but my opinion doesn't matter. It never does. Oh yeah, and she is with guys too, not just girls. These "church people" are just posers. I am not saying I am an ongoing church member, i am not saying i am better, but at least I don't pretend to be someone I am not. At least I am not one person at church, and go drinking and partying as soon as church is over. This immaturity is a huge pet peeve of mine and I have had about enough of it.

One of us has to be responsible. I would say i'm sorry...but I am not. I am NOT sorry I choose to be the responsible parent. I am NOT sorry I don't go out every night and drink all night. I am NOT sorry I put my child before me. I am NOT sorry I quit school and got a job I am not too fond of for my daughter. I am NOT sorry that I am who I am. I am NOT sorry I did everything I could to provide for my family. I am NOT sorry that we do not have anything in common. If we were the same person, mady would be completely and utterly neglected. So you have fun drinking and partying, but you will regret it when it comes down to signing those divorce papers.

i am just so annoyed

Well, she is out being her wild "i have no responsibility" self again. She has been gone since like 6pm or so. She came home to get contacts stuff or glasses or something, and then she left again. Where is she? I don't know. She says she is with some friends...girls and guys....gets to my friggin nerves. Especially because she said she might not be back because she is drinking. Gee that makes me feel so good now. I shouldn't care, but I do. Our so called "relationship" is over. I don't think it ever started. I should have left as soon as she got home for that split second. That would have made her stay here because of Mady. She is always running out. I am treated exactly like a babysitter to her. That is the only reason of my existence to her....i am just so annoyed right now.

i have had enough

So she expects me to treat her like a goddess or a queen. I think I do enough when I watch mady while she goes and parties. Or perhaps when I clean up after her all the time. Or maybe I do enough when I give her time to get ready to leave me. Or maybe I do enough when I try and help her get a job, or drive my vehicles. Yeah, I totally don't do anything. I work 2 full-time jobs while in college. I quit college when I am a senior. I get a job I hate so that we can live. No, that isn't enough. So she says I am always an a**hole, when really she overreacts about everything. I am doing homework, she wants me to change a diaper and I say I can't. She doesn't want to do it because she does not want to mess up her precious nails. So then she starts yelling at me saying i have always been an a**hole. I am not going to lie, I am sometimes an a**hole to her now, but I have my reasons. Why in the world would I be so nice and kind to her. We are getting divorced. She used me. She says she never wanted to be with me or be married to me....and she says this three years into marriage....wow. I friggin gave up EVERYTHING so that she could be happy....EVERYTHING. I am sick of her taking advantage of me, I am sick or her not appreciating everything I do, I am sick of her complaining about the SMALLEST THINGS IN THE WORLD. Every time she is mad at something else besides me, she always finds a way to blame it on me. I am just sick of all of this. I cannot wait for her to get out. She said in the past she wants us to stay friends for Mady, but I don't think I can do that. She is a huge *insert bad word here*. I do not want anything to do with her. This may sound stuck up, and I am sorry if it does, but she doesn't deserve me. I deserve someone better than this. I cannot put up with anymore of this. I am sick of being yelled at. I am sick of being treated like crap. I am sick of all this. I am cutting her out, putting all this in the shredder, and burning it. No more. No friggin more.

i'm sick

I am just sick of being replaced by...well...everything. I am replaced by friends, replaced by nails, random dinners, random outings, random workouts. I know this will happen, but can't she friggin wait until she is gone and until we are actually separated and divorced? This is beyond rude. This is friggin ridiculous. She wants freedom, then she can have her friggin freedom. But freedom comes at a price. This is no patriotic speech. She works out one day, then goes out another day, then has dinner with friends another day, then hangs with friends the next day, then works out the next day. So let me get this straight. I see her when I wake up to go to work. She is sleeping in the bed when I leave. That is it. Nothing else. I understand this has to happen, but at least have the common courtesy to wait and live your "freedom" when you are out. She sees mady a couple hours in the morning, and that is it. By the time she gets home and is done working and hanging out with all her immature and childish friends, mady is sleeping in bed. Parents are required to make sacrifices am i right? I know I am. How is it that I am making all the sacrifices. I want to go out, I want to hang with people from work when they invite me, i want to workout and have a life. But she is not making any sacrifices. She does what she wants. So I not only have the responsibility to stay home and be with my girl but i also have an obligation to do it. Don't get me wrong, i love being with my baby girl, but we all need a break every once in a while. If she is not going to help, then fine, let her do her little "i wanna be single and be 'free' and independent" things. Like, seriously? Are you serious right now? When are her and her friends ever going to friggin grow up?! This is driving me incredibly insane. I just want to cancel her phone, and kick her out and let her live that life of hers and never hear from her or talk to her again. But i can't do that no matter how much i want to. She is the mother of my child.

She says we are still friends. It did not work out so well last time. The more I was aware of her existence and doings, the more bitter and angry and sad I was. There were so many mixed feelings. There were/are times where I want to help her...so she can finally leave me and be independent. There are times when I start thinking about our past and just end up crying because I love(d) her so much and I do not want to throw that away. There are times where I never want to see her again. Is it not important for spouses to have respect for each other and their opinions? Why has my opinion never mattered to her? Why did she never ask me before she invited people over or before she made plans?

She says she has NEVER thought that we were right for each other. Then why the HELL did you use me like this? Why would you say you loved me when you really just couldn't leave because you couldn't afford it. This is no friggin joke. She said the only reason we are together is because she could not afford to live on her own. Wow. That makes me feel so good.

So now you have just a tiny peek inside my life....just a tiny one tho

confusion sucks

The title says it all. I do not want things to change so much after this. Do not get me wrong, things will change, but some things must stay the same due to certain circumstances. I do not want this to end badly. I do not want me to end up being mad and feel that I need to move far far away. Mady is my priority and I will cooperate and do whatever I need to for her to be as happy as she can be. I want the girls I love to be happy. If my wife "needs" to leave and find herself, or work out issues she has, or be independent, or do whatever she feels she has to do, then I will not stop her. I do not like to see anyone suffer or have a lack of happiness on my account. Things will be the same, but things will be different. It is very hard for me to explain, so I am sorry if you are confused. I must remember to look to God during this. I hope that I will not just say this now, and do something completely different when it...happens. I hope she finds what she is looking for, and I hope that I can get my priorities straight and get back to walking with God. He understands me so much, why wouldn't I want to walk with Him.

Confusion sucks, but I have to learn to deal with it, and move on. I do not believe this whole....incidence has phased me yet. There have been days at work if I start thinking about what will happen, I literally start crying and have to go hide for a couple minutes and get a hold on myself. I must stay strong, not just for me, but for my little girl. She is my everything.

almost here

A new beginning and a sad sad ending all at the same time. It is almost here. I can feel it within the deep torn and cracked crevasses of my heart. I have had this feeling before, and just pushed it aside. Unfortunately I cannot push this feeling aside, because this is the real deal. It is coming, and you may or may not know when it hits, but I will most certainly know. It will be the day that this feeble heart of mine finally pulls the plug on itself. The pain is too much to bear. What's next?

the whole shabang

I forced us into this marriage. Whatever happens tomorrow and however long in the future, it is all my fault. I love her so so much, but I cannot see her like this. I just want her to be happy, whatever it takes. This heart of mine is taking a beating. Is it her fault? No, it is both of our faults. It is just so hard to let go, especially when you think you can make everything work. I do not put forth the effort I should in this relationship. She needs to "find herself". I am not necessarily mad, just....sad. Sad that I got us into this. Sad that she feels the way she does. Sad that her relationship with her family is not what it should be. Sad that she is sad. There is one thing I hate more than anything in the world, and that is to see the ones I love crying. It brings so many painful tears to my eyes to know that someone I love is hurt or sad. Let it be known that I cannot fix all my mistakes. I wish I could. I wish I knew what to do so I can just make all of this better. She is my first true love and I just do not want to let go. But sometimes in life, we don't get what we want. I do not want her to live a life that she does not want to live. Sure we are just on this planet for a little bit until we all go to heaven and praise the Almighty God, but I do not want this one life we live on earth to be a "waste" in anyone's eyes.

Dear God,

Lord, I need You when the sea of life is calm.
O Lord, I need You when the wind is blowing strong.
Whether trials come or cease, keep me always on my knees.
Lord, I need You. Lord I need You.


This song by Ron Hamilton says so much. Pay close attention to the third line. "Whether trials come or cease..." This has been my life story for a bit. I have so many problems and worries, but then they disappear for a bit, and then they reappear. This roller coaster is making me sick -- physically, mentally, and emotionally. I just want to get off this roller coaster and go home. 


This life stuff is just too hard many times....




I just love her too too much.

wth

So my wife goes out a lot. I got no problem with that....well...not really. Someone has got to stay home and keep after the kid, and my wife "needs" to go out. She usually goes out with her girlfriends, and sometimes  a group of people. At least that is what she tells me. However, last night was different, and I have lost a lot of trust in her because of it. She had plans to go out with one of her girlfriends, but she ended up getting sick and not going. Now I must say this, I am a sneak and do read some of my wife's text, and boy do I wish I didn't. I read my wife asking the girl she was going to go with to not post anything on facebook because my wife ended up going with another guy. My wife did not want me to find out. This is what worries me. If she goes out with a guy with me knowing, I hate it and will try and search the dude down just to beat the crap out of him. However, this time she went out and tried to hide it from me, and lied that she went with her friend. She didn't tell me she didn't go with her friend until I found out. This just makes me so angry. She will not even tell me who exactly she went with either. She did say she met with a group of people wherever she went, and she did say that she didn't tell me because she would be afraid of my reaction, but you don't NOT tell me. Does she even sound trustworthy to you?



I didn't think so.

why try

I am not perfect. I just need to get that out of the way in case anyone was wondering. I try so hard to have a decent relationship. I lack trust, but I feel that I have my reasons. It just seems like she is not even trying to have a relationship with me. It seems like she does not want a relationship. That I am sure of, because she has said in the past that she hates "marriage". Not that our marriage is SO BAD (although it could most definitely be better), but she says she just hates the idea of marriage. I saw some pictures that I did not want to see. I liked it better when I didn't know what she did when she goes out. The pictures weren't THAT bad. Just her acting crazy, drinking a bit, and acting more crazy. But what scares me was thinking, "Now, what was she doing when someone wasn't taking a picture." Like I said, I lack trust. Her friends are immature, childish, dramatic, and I sincerely dislike them. Some of her friends are ok, but that is it.

I have no opinion, no input, no thoughts. At least that is what it seems to be what she is thinking. Letting people come over and waltz right in the door without telling me or even letting me know. Saying that she will get a cat from someone without letting me know. Do I not even exist to her? Where do I stand in that world of hers?

Do I love her? Oh goodness yes. This is what makes it so so hard. I have been really hurt by her before, but something "came up" and we got back together. But did we do it for the right reason? Unfortunately I don't believe we did. The one and only person I have ever loved seems so different after these years. Just me thinking of not being with her, or of us getting divorced or separated brings tears to my eyes. How does it go? "Till death do us part." This is what I dream of, but am I kidding myself. This may seem funny or awkward, but have you ever seen "Forgetting Sarah Marshall"? Remember when Sarah Marshall broke up with the guy, then he ended up going to hawaii, and crying and bawling half the time he was there? Well that would be me. Sure, call me a girl, call me a wimp, call me whatever you want. But when you love someone so much, and they don't love you back like that....it hurts. Don't get me wrong, she does so so much for our family, but it seems like it is just for our child. I think all this friggin school has something to do with it. I have been doing school for the past 6 years (college), and I am just sick of it. I want time. Time to relax, time to spend with my family.

Perhaps I am not trying hard enough. We do not go out much. We have such conflicting schedules. I would love to go out with her, but we do not like the same things. She likes to dance and go clubbing. I like to...well...to be honest, I have no clue what I like, but I am no dancing or clubbing person. Should I make myself be that type of person? Do I change myself for her? She accepts that we do not have common interests, but of course she is still going to go out and have fun. If she did not hang with those people, I would probably go to.

No one ever go to Pensacola Christian College. I met her at PCC along with many other good people. She was so beautiful, and definitely still is. But the thing about PCC is that there are too many rules. You do not know who is "real" and who isn't "real". Some people obey the rules, but are completely and utterly different outside of college. Some people think that they have fallen in love, but in reality they are loving someone that does not even exist.

However, I must keep it all together. I must not think about divorce or separation. I must do this for Mady. I do not want my child living and growing up in a broken home and will do whatever it takes to make that not happen. Will I change myself? I certainly hope not. Will everything stay the same? I hope not again. Do I have regrets? Of course I do, but I am in love with my girls, my wife and my baby girl. I love them so much and do not want anything drastic to happen. I love them so much and do not want to get hurt again. It hurts so bad just to think about something like that. I wish I could move away and start all over with our little family. I wish I could not be living in Newport News. I wish I could get a deskjob in a good city or town that is not so ghetto. Maybe if he have a new place to live, and a new career, and new everything, things will be better. I can only dream. My wife is my love and I will always love her. I am just not sure if that will help me now, or hold me back in the future. If we were to separate, or perhaps divorce. I would have to move. I do not know where, but somewhere. I will not be able to stand the sight of her. Not because I would hate her or anything like that, but because I would love her and I would know that she isn't "mine" anymore. It would be hard for me in the near or far future to see her with someone else and NOT beat that someone else up. I couldn't stand seeing her and knowing that we are no longer together. I have to keep it together not only for me, but for my girls.  Something needs to change. I don't know what, but something needs to change.

poetry

Okay, so I met a person recently who likes poetry a lot. There is nothing wrong with that.  This person also really likes to write poetry. There is nothing wrong with that either. However, there is one type of poetry, not even sure what it is called. I may sound mean when I write this, but whatever, it IS my blog. Haha. Here is an quick example of the poetry this person likes:

Blogging is such fun you see,
I blog until I need to pee.
I like to write on random days,
But I hate watching marching gays.

Okay. So I know this sounds preposterous, but the person's poems don't even close to make sense. These poems are also so repetitive. Imagine multiple lines of the same nonsense I just wrote. I know everyone has their own "thing", and I am sure that people are annoyed of whatever my "thing" is. It is one thing to write poetry, but then to write poetry and thinking that you are so incredibly awesome at it. This person who always jumps to conclusions, seems to know "everything", and always has something better to say, although nice, is just an annoyance. I know I sound like a total jerk, and I may be one, but hey, no one is perfect. I just thought I would let yall know.

clueless

It truly sucks being clueless. What exactly am I supposed to do. I am not sure about other people, but for me, when I see people cry (especially people I love), I start crying too. Why must I act the way I act and say the things I say. Love is a huge understatement, but to some people it is just misused word. Bitterness and lack of trust haunts me. There are times that I say to myself that I have good reasons to be bitter or to not trust someone, but are those reasons good enough? Good enough for me maybe, but it depends on the perspective. It is not fun not knowing what to do. There are some days where I think I really know what to do, but then not too long after I think that I know something, something changes.

Hiding the truth is like losing something; eventually someone is going to find it.