haha...wow (July 3, 2011)

So she expects me to treat her like a goddess or a queen. I think I do enough when I watch mady while she goes and parties. Or perhaps when I clean up after her all the time. Or maybe I do enough when I give her time to get ready to leave me. Or maybe I do enough when I try and help her get a job, or drive my vehicles. Yeah, I totally don't do anything. I work 2 full-time jobs while in college. I quit college when I am a senior. I get a job I hate so that we can live. No, that isn't enough. So she says I am always an a**hole, when really she overreacts about everything. I am doing homework, she wants me to change a diaper and I say I can't. She doesn't want to do it because she does not want to mess up her precious nails. So then she starts yelling at me saying i have always been an a**hole. I am not going to lie, I am sometimes an a**hole to her now, but I have my reasons. Why in the world would I be so nice and kind to her. We are getting divorced. She used me. She says she never wanted to be with me or be married to me....and she says this three years into marriage....wow. I f***ing gave up EVERYTHING so that she could be happy....EVERYTHING. I am sick of her taking advantage of me, I am sick or her not appreciating everything I do, I am sick of her complaining about the SMALLEST THINGS IN THE WORLD. Every time she is mad at something else besides me, she always finds a way to blame it on me. I am just sick of all of this. I cannot wait for her to get out. She said in the past she wants us to stay friends for Mady, but I don't think I can do that. She is a huge b****. I do not want anything to do with her. This may sound stuck up, and I am sorry if it does, but she doesn't deserve me. I deserve someone better than this. I cannot put up with anymore of this. I am sick of being yelled at. I am sick of being treated like crap. I am sick of all this. I am cutting her out, putting all this in the shredder, and burning it. No more. No f***ing more.

up and up

Yesterday
Is not quite what it could've been
As were most of all the days before
But I swear today
With every breath I'm breathing in
I'll be trying to make it so much more

Cause it seems I get so hung up on
The history of what's gone wrong
And the hope of a new day
Is sometimes hard to see (what you see)
And though I'm finally catching onto it
And now the past is just a conduit
And the light there at the end is
Where I'll be

Cause I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
I know I'm capable of
And I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you
A better version of me
For you

Now I have
All that I could ever need
The confidence of knowing there's still time
Time to make amends
And try to build a better me
And take the right steps as this road unwinds

But I'm finally catching onto it
And now the past is just a conduit
Right there at the end
Is where I'll be
Oh

Cause I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
What I'm capable of
And I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you
A better version of me
For you

You never cease
To supply me with
What I need
For a good life
So when I'm down
I'll hold my head up high
Cause you're the reason why

I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
What I'm capable of
And I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you
(Trying to be a better version of me for you)
A better version of me
For you

it's been awhile

It has been awhile since I have written on here, so I guess I will write again. I don't even know why I write on this. No one reads it, and no one ever will. Maybe I will post the website in my will so people can read it after I die and be even more depressed. Lol just kidding.

So here I am just sitting in my chair, just chilling for once. Just finished taking a midterm for my Non-profit Management class. I think this class is a waste of time. It goes over everything my other management classes went over. The only thing different is just a bigger emphasis on fundraising...that's it. But anyway, hopefully it will be an easy A. Anyway, I hopefully only have like 4 more classes until I get my double-major degree in management and finance. I am kind of sick of school, but I would be so bored if I didn't have school. I had a month break of no school not too long ago, and I don't know how I feel about it. It was nice to be able to come home from a hard day's work and just collapse on the couch on some days; and other days where I can just horse around and play with Mady and not have to worry about school. But taking classes is my "thing". I guess it is like a hobby (lol). I don't have my piano anymore because that broke, so I guess it is just classes now.

Anyway, I guess I am just writing this to update all of you non-existent people who are reading this. The divorce will be finalized mid-July. I try to look at the good of this, but really, the only thing I can think of is that I will be saving a lot of money because I won't have to have her under my health insurance anymore. That's all I got. I always saw people when I was younger who were getting divorced or are not happy or had some kind of abusive relationship, and I always promised myself I would not let that happen to me. I guess I was wrong. I just feel so bad for Mady, and I don't wanna be throwing a pity party, but I feel bad for me too. I feel so bad for Mady. Her schedule is ridiculous. Let me lay it out for you:

Monday: I wake up around 4 AM (mainly because shipyard parking is the WORST and i have to get there early if I want a good spot). I wake Mady up as soon as I am done getting ready for work. I take a trip to Brynn's place which is totally out of the way from work, drop Mady off, and then go to work. When I get at work I have at least an hour to spare before work actually starts to I sleep in my car. After work, I rush through the thousands of people getting off work at the same time, then deal with shipyard traffic which is also the worst. Pick up Mady from sitter. Brynn works at 2 pm, so Mady goes to a sitter from 2-4. The sitter is also totally out of the way, but she is very experienced, reliable, and affordable. After I pick her up, she stays with me the rest of the night.

Tuesday: I do the same exact thing as Monday. The only difference here is that when Brynn gets off work (usually around 11pm), she comes and picks Mady up. So yes, she comes to my place around 11 or 12 at night and wake Mady up and takes her to her place.

Wednesday: I don't have Mady

Thursday: I don't have mady

Friday: Pick up Mady after work

Saturday: I have Mady all day

Sunday: I have Mady all day


Sounds crazy right? Now you know why I feel bad for Mady. Going back and forth from my place, to her place, to the sitter's place. She is such a happy child. She is always happy, and obedient (for the most part) and so darn polite. Even at 4:30 AM in the morning when I am putting Mady in the car to drop her off at Brynn's, I put a blanket on her and she is beyond tired, but still gets up the energy to say "thank you daddy." What a way to start my day. I love her so much, but I still wish it didn't have to be like this.

And the reason I feel bad for myself may be silly to you, but not to me. It kind of upsets me to think about and gets me rather angry - angry at Brynn. There I am thinking everything is fine and then the next thing I know she wants to leave me and then she does. And in addition to her leaving, I have to give up seeing Mady every day. I'm sorry, but I have every right to be upset. I do not get to see my baby girl everyday. I come home on Wednesdays and Thursdays, and have no clue what to do (besides a little homework). Some days I just sit...and do nothing. I just hate it that I cannot see my girl everyday. This is not how my life should be.....

I used to contemplate getting full custody of Mady, but Brynn is a great mother...when she has Mady. I do think it was very selfish of her to leave, but if she was not happy in the relationship we had, then I guess I can't blame her. And Mady loves her mother, and there is no way I could do that to Mady. She needs 2 parents there for her 24/7.

I do find it silly that Brynn works two jobs, but if something comes up with the sitter (really the old sitters we had), I was the one to take work off. I had to use my vacation time to pick Mady up. I am the one with all the expenses and bills and debt, but I have to take off because Brynn "just started a new job" or some other excuse. Which is fine, I will do anything and everything for Mady.

There is one thing that just scarred me bad from that "relationship" - trust. I have more trust issues now than ever. There I was, in total love with who I thought was the woman of my dreams, the love of my life, the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with....and she left me. So I am sorry to all you females out there, but I just cannot trust you. I know I know, you are all not the same, but if I was that close to someone and she hurt me like she did, how could I get close to someone again? I hope I don't sound like I am throwing a pity party, but have you been hurt? I am not talking about "oh yeah my b/f left me and cheated on me" and blah blah blah. I am sorry, but boyfriend/girlfriend crap is nothing compared to this. But I am not going to be a party pooper. I don't expect to get sympathy cards and whatnot. Life is life. When life gives you lemons...give them to someone else because I don't like them.

"We are not human beings on a spiritual journey, we are spiritual beings on a human journey" ~Anonymous

who knew

Who knew some things could just break my heart? I mean, I knew, but I am reminded every single day of my life whenever I put Mady to bed. Especially days when she sees Brynn the next day. "Mady, you want to see mommy tomorrow?" "Yes daddy". I don't know what it is about that...but brings a tear to my eye every night.

reality...it is like salt on a battle wound

so what i am about to write...well...really copy and pasted was an email response i sent someone. While writing this, I couldn't help but try and jerk some tears back. This is a big year from me. A lot of stuff is going on and a lot of decisions need to be made. I have full-time work, part-time school, divorce, moves, just everything. But for some reason, I didn't think this year was stressful enough and I scheduled 3 classes this semester instead of 2. I know you might think that 3 classes is nothing, but with my schedule, and the classes be senior-level classes on an 8 week schedule....it is tough. so anyway, here is an email or message or whatever you want to call it. Just gives you an idea on what is going on. and just to clear things up, my brother (jon) got two job offers for jobs he wants in Iowa and is trying to decide which one he wants. I apologize ahead of time for my horrible grammar and everything. I am lazy because...well....because i can be.  So i am thinking about my future. which is awesome, but sucks at the same time. haha. So this year my divorce is going to be finalized. I have so many decisions I have to make regarding job/where to live/daughter....just everything.  I don't know...I might get married again in the future...but i cannot base my decisions on something that MIGHT happen. I live for my little family now....not what it possibly could be in the future. I don't worry about where I am going to live 5 years from now or what school mady will be at then. i am concerned about Mady now, and life now. I don't rely and base decisions on things that could be, but things that are currently.  IF (still a big if...but they just look so amazing and affordable) i get a modular home, it would be in a area i want. I will not make a decision on buying a home or anything until i know what my options are. if nothing sticks out, then obviously God doesn't want me to go that route. If i find a good neighborhood in virginia beach with a lot, then i will choose that. I don't really "care" where it would be at, as long as the area is a good area. I refuse to raise my daughter in a ghetto area or have to worry about her having to play outside or anything. it's just time to move on and be able to rely on me and not have to mooch off of people so much. I am really appreciative of jon and sam, but i just need a place of my own. as much as i hate bills and whatnot, it is a part of life.  also, i don't know where i would i would put mady where i work. I will have to work with my ex's crazy schedule, which some days she works from morning till morning the next day. for example, saturday my ex worked from 8am-1am the next day. her days are every other sunday and monday through wednesday. with her new schedule, she doesn't see mady on sundays (if she does only a couple hours after she works), she doesn't see her on mondays, and only a little on tuesdays. she has wednesdays and thursdays off tho. so everything as far as custody is crazy hectic. I know we will eventually have to change who gets custody what days so it will truly be 50% or joint. idk. my ex is a good mother, and there is no way i can "take mady away" or have full custody. i would love it, but i can't do that to mady or my ex.  i know sam says she has a friend over here that would charge 20/day. of course i would have to interview and background check and talk this over with my ex. if i can get mady potty trained, i can have her in pre-k during work hours. but then me and my ex would have to discuss where mady would go. my ex is very picky about where mady goes. she wants mady to go to some expensive private stuff. which if she can pay for it then fine, but there is nothing wrong with watkins (where all jon and sam's kid went). idk. there is just a lot of discussions i have to have with my ex. i need to know what exactly is going on with jon tho. like what job we will take and when i have to leave and all that jazz. with my ex wanting to live in yorktown, and her jobs are in williamsburg, and my job in newport news, and i wanting to live in virginia beach...it is just a big mess.  i know it will be hard for me to get a job i like anywhere because i have no experience in anything. sure i have 2 associates degrees and about to get a bachelors, but employers want experience. and the only thing i really have experience in is pipefitting, but i definitely do not want to do that as a career. I mean, there is no telling what will happen in the future. for all i know, a job might work out for me in oklahoma in the future or something. idk. i mean, technically, if i had enough money in future, any home can technically be moved from the foundation pending on how it is attached. all i know is i can't base all my decisions on what my future MIGHT be. I need to live in the now and deal with the future when it gets here. it does help to be prepared, but it is worse to be unprepared for the now than unprepared for the possible future. i don't know. i am really happy for jon. i really am.  me and my job are in a love-hate relationship. i love that it pays for my education; i love that i get paid a decent amount, but i hate that i have to wake up every morning and go to a job where my heart isn't in it. i would rather get paid less doing a job i love, then get paid a whole lot doing a job i put up with. all i know is that these question marks need to disappear. this year is already filled with stress/divorce/school/work, i just need something to put me at ease. but i'm just talking to a lot of empty seats right now...so it's all good.