who am i

I have changed. It is not a recent change, it has been an ongoing change...and not for the better. My anger is coming back like no one's business, and if something goes wrong that is totally my fault, I always blame someone else. Perhaps all the problems I have been having is all because of me. What happened to me? What happened to who I used to be where life was easier and I was so much more content. Maybe that knife wound in my back is from me throwing myself on it. Life was so much easier when I wasn't me present day. How did this happen? How did all this anger come back so quickly? Why do I keep trying to put something over this wound so that no one will notice. I am still so much in love with her, but I am horrible at showing it. "We don't belong together." Ouch. The whole "it's not you, it's me" thing doesn't work on me. It is not her, it is both of us, but mostly me. I don't know what happened, but the old self who was a good and loving guy can't seem to come back. I will do anything to clean this wound and to never see or feel it again. But is it too late? Only time will tell.....

mended wound

Have you ever like hurt yourself really bad in a specific spot on your body, gotten it fixed, and then you hurt yourself there again in the same spot? I know my question is very extensive and improper, but I think you get the point. A few years ago, I dislocated one of my shoulders, and the next day popped it back in. A month after that (even though it was not fully healed) I was trying to push a car on some ice, and i slipped and fell on it again. That hurt. Well these "re-wounds" have come back in a more emotional, non-physical way.

I wonder how much of this I can "put up with" before I explode. Knowing that this re-wound (pronounced re-wooned) may haunt me or come back at any given time in my life unless I do something about it. But I care way too much for this wound/injury that I keep mending it back together, only for it to be wounded again. When will this stop? Will I have to stop it? It is too hard of a choice for me to make. Is it selfish for me to not care about it anymore? Is it selfish for me to just cover it up, or just "put a band-aid on it", and be back on my normal path?

Many times I question myself and other things as well. What if.................
I have so many issues in my life. Lack of trust being one thing, but do I have a good reason for that? Of course it depends on whose eyes are looking at the situation. In my opinion, knowing the fact this IS my blog, of course I have a good reason. Let's just say, many years ago my body..."attacked itself" and I had "cancer" figuratively speaking of course. I could be healed from that cancer, but am too scared to go off the meds.

I know all of this probably sounds so confusing, but that is what my life consists of right now. Just "clear confusion." It is the only thing I see. It is the thing I base my decisions from because it has been there for sometime. Should I just keep putting the band-aid over this wound and try to forget about it like I have been doing lately? Or do I become selfish, pray that the accidental blessing will be alright, and try to go on without that wound altogether....as if i was to amputate it off.

Life isn't easy, and I never expected it to be. But I also never expected it to be this hard either.....

Procrastination

Procrastination is such a fun subject to talk or write about. I may not be the king of procrastination, but man do I like to do it. I am probably the jester of procrastination. I do not sit on my butt and wear a crown, but I believe to be the one in charge. Think about it, why would the king sit on his butt if he had no jester to entertain him? He would be doing kingly things or kissing babies or something. So I believe that I am the procrastination vendor/entertainer. I don't charge for it, but I do encourage others to do so.

Anyway, so here I am, sitting on my butt. I actually was doing homework tho, I swear. I have 3 chapters of review questions to do that are due on sunday night. I also have a paper due on monday that I really have not even started. However, my biggest thing is my huge huge huge final project for my CMIS 450 class is due in a couple weeks. You may be thinking to yourself, "oh he has a couple weeks, that is plenty of time." However, notice the emphasis on how huge this is. It is not only huge-wise concerning the grading, but also concerning, well, the huge-ness. I am creating my own database from scratch. I will be doing all the programming, all the random user input, all the queries, all the everything. Also, say I was not even to do it and just take the grade deduction (which would be dumb); IF I was to get a 0 on this, that would drop me 3 letter grades....that's right....3. So I think I am safe to say that it is a pretty big deal. I would either have a low 'c' or a 'd' in the class. And I am pretty sure I do not want a 'd'...or a 'c'...or even a 'b'.....so yeah.

Anyway, I suppose I should finish up these review questions, so I can get started on my paper and stuff.