who am i

I have changed. It is not a recent change, it has been an ongoing change...and not for the better. My anger is coming back like no one's business, and if something goes wrong that is totally my fault, I always blame someone else. Perhaps all the problems I have been having is all because of me. What happened to me? What happened to who I used to be where life was easier and I was so much more content. Maybe that knife wound in my back is from me throwing myself on it. Life was so much easier when I wasn't me present day. How did this happen? How did all this anger come back so quickly? Why do I keep trying to put something over this wound so that no one will notice. I am still so much in love with her, but I am horrible at showing it. "We don't belong together." Ouch. The whole "it's not you, it's me" thing doesn't work on me. It is not her, it is both of us, but mostly me. I don't know what happened, but the old self who was a good and loving guy can't seem to come back. I will do anything to clean this wound and to never see or feel it again. But is it too late? Only time will tell.....

mended wound

Have you ever like hurt yourself really bad in a specific spot on your body, gotten it fixed, and then you hurt yourself there again in the same spot? I know my question is very extensive and improper, but I think you get the point. A few years ago, I dislocated one of my shoulders, and the next day popped it back in. A month after that (even though it was not fully healed) I was trying to push a car on some ice, and i slipped and fell on it again. That hurt. Well these "re-wounds" have come back in a more emotional, non-physical way.

I wonder how much of this I can "put up with" before I explode. Knowing that this re-wound (pronounced re-wooned) may haunt me or come back at any given time in my life unless I do something about it. But I care way too much for this wound/injury that I keep mending it back together, only for it to be wounded again. When will this stop? Will I have to stop it? It is too hard of a choice for me to make. Is it selfish for me to not care about it anymore? Is it selfish for me to just cover it up, or just "put a band-aid on it", and be back on my normal path?

Many times I question myself and other things as well. What if.................
I have so many issues in my life. Lack of trust being one thing, but do I have a good reason for that? Of course it depends on whose eyes are looking at the situation. In my opinion, knowing the fact this IS my blog, of course I have a good reason. Let's just say, many years ago my body..."attacked itself" and I had "cancer" figuratively speaking of course. I could be healed from that cancer, but am too scared to go off the meds.

I know all of this probably sounds so confusing, but that is what my life consists of right now. Just "clear confusion." It is the only thing I see. It is the thing I base my decisions from because it has been there for sometime. Should I just keep putting the band-aid over this wound and try to forget about it like I have been doing lately? Or do I become selfish, pray that the accidental blessing will be alright, and try to go on without that wound altogether....as if i was to amputate it off.

Life isn't easy, and I never expected it to be. But I also never expected it to be this hard either.....

Procrastination

Procrastination is such a fun subject to talk or write about. I may not be the king of procrastination, but man do I like to do it. I am probably the jester of procrastination. I do not sit on my butt and wear a crown, but I believe to be the one in charge. Think about it, why would the king sit on his butt if he had no jester to entertain him? He would be doing kingly things or kissing babies or something. So I believe that I am the procrastination vendor/entertainer. I don't charge for it, but I do encourage others to do so.

Anyway, so here I am, sitting on my butt. I actually was doing homework tho, I swear. I have 3 chapters of review questions to do that are due on sunday night. I also have a paper due on monday that I really have not even started. However, my biggest thing is my huge huge huge final project for my CMIS 450 class is due in a couple weeks. You may be thinking to yourself, "oh he has a couple weeks, that is plenty of time." However, notice the emphasis on how huge this is. It is not only huge-wise concerning the grading, but also concerning, well, the huge-ness. I am creating my own database from scratch. I will be doing all the programming, all the random user input, all the queries, all the everything. Also, say I was not even to do it and just take the grade deduction (which would be dumb); IF I was to get a 0 on this, that would drop me 3 letter grades....that's right....3. So I think I am safe to say that it is a pretty big deal. I would either have a low 'c' or a 'd' in the class. And I am pretty sure I do not want a 'd'...or a 'c'...or even a 'b'.....so yeah.

Anyway, I suppose I should finish up these review questions, so I can get started on my paper and stuff.

Love and Happiness

Love and happiness run hand in hand. In fact, in order to live a good life with someone, they must go hand in hand. Happiness should never be taken away from anyone. However, if you really truly love someone who is not happy with his or her life, than you should be willing to give up your happiness so that he or she may be happy. Will it hurt? Hell yeah. But it will hurt even more  loving a person who you know is not happy.

Wait....what just happened

So here you are, just standing there, and then next thing you know you hear screams. You look around but can't see why or where anyone is screaming. Next thing you know you literally get stabbed in the back, a robber takes your wallet and anything else on you, and runs away. You are bleeding profusely from your back, and you cannot get it to stop bleeding (because let's face it...the back is a pretty hard place to reach yourself). And like mentioned before, there is no one around. No one to see your pain and to help you. No one to cover that gaping hole in your back to stop the bleeding. You try and run to find help; you try and stop the bleeding yourself, but you can't do it. It's just to hard. You have been looking for someone to help you and heal you for what seems to be forever, and you can't find anyone. Then right before you pass out, you realize that He has been there the whole time, but you were just to blinded by your own ways to realize it.

Sometimes in life, these type of situations approach you, check that, run at you, and they are too hard to control or to prevent. There are things that a person just should not go through alone. Then there are those things that a person can't go through alone. What do you do when life throws you the craziest knuckleball there is? What do you do if you are one strike away from losing everything you have ever had or dreamed of? Of course, anyone would say "knock that ball out of the park" right? Well easier said than done. A person can try and try and try, but after so many attempts and failures, it just isn't worth trying anymore. I try so hard and try so little at the same time; it is as if I am not even doing anything besides taking up space in the world. There is one thought that will always put a smile on my face, but that same thought will make me tear up every time knowing my not-to-distant future.

I do not believe there is a such thing as a hopeless cause, but I do believe that I am just as close as I can get. I do believe in the Almighty God, the omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent King of kings and Lord of lords. However, after situations in life, it is hard to do that. Blame must not be placed on God, but only on yourself. I once thought that God had faded away, but it was me who was fading away the whole time. Church was a regular thing for me. Every time I got a chance I went to church. That sometimes was every day of the week. Well, time went by, mistakes were made, and those church days have long gone. I tell myself every Saturday night that I will attend church the next day, but I always think of an excuse Sunday morning. I know just attending church and good works cannot save a person, thank God, because if that was true I would be destined to hell. There is much more to that, but because God gave man free will, a person must be willing to go to church, and be willing to want to learn more about God. You know, you figure after knowing that God gave His only begotten Son to DIE for me, that that would make me want to worship Him every single day of my life. However, something always "comes up". These excuses that I pull out of the air are just furthering me away from God. Do I want this to happen? Goodness no! But am I willing to put forth the effort to make it stop? That would be yet another "no".

Sometimes in life (and apparently a lot in my life), people make mistakes. Most mistakes are bad, but there are a few "mistakes" that shine through those clouds like never before. However, I would not call those "mistakes", I would call those undercover blessings from God. What hurts the most is seeing those affected around me from my mistakes. Why do people around me have to suffer for something that I have done? Why does life work that way? Life should not be "attached" to the surrounded emotions of others around me. The mistakes I made should not be reflected onto others as if it is a part of them to. I know I am loved and that I love many others. I love them to not want to let them know of the pain and the agony of my torturing circumstance. To tell others to help me, to tell others of the stab wound in my back, would mean that I would have to tell them I need help. It would mean that I would have eyes on me, not just feeling sorry for me, but looking down on me as well. And adding that salt to my stab wound is just too much for me to handle. There will be those who show their disappointment fervently and there will be those who simply avoid me.

Forrest Gump's mom said it well when she said "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get." You have those select chocolates in that box that are just so good you want to keep eating....but then there is always that one that ruins the whole box. That one that makes you want to throw the whole box away. No one said life is going to be easy. Life is tough, and I never expected it to be easy. In everyone's life there are ups and downs and ups and downs. But a lot of the time, there is that moment where no "down" moment can compare to, and no "up" moment can make everything better. This certain moment is the kind of moment that stab in the back, the pulsing chest pain that will never go away. The kind of pain that makes you realize your ribs are serving no purpose protecting something that is broken anyway.

There is something that no one likes to ask for, something that many people cannot live without, something that makes people feel better, and something that pushes people away. There is no denying that everyone needs it at some point in his/her life in any, and sometimes every, situation.



Simply put. Help.

Title

Ok. So the reason the blog is called "Make It Stop" is because it seems that everyone and their mother is blogging. Of course, I have to jump the bandwagon and blog too now. However, I am not much of a writer, so if everyone could not blog, so I didn't feel pressured into it, that would be great. This blogging "addiction" needs to come to an end. Here I am like 2 words into my first blog thing and I already feel addicted and relatively obsessed. Great....just great.