reality...it is like salt on a battle wound

so what i am about to write...well...really copy and pasted was an email response i sent someone. While writing this, I couldn't help but try and jerk some tears back. This is a big year from me. A lot of stuff is going on and a lot of decisions need to be made. I have full-time work, part-time school, divorce, moves, just everything. But for some reason, I didn't think this year was stressful enough and I scheduled 3 classes this semester instead of 2. I know you might think that 3 classes is nothing, but with my schedule, and the classes be senior-level classes on an 8 week schedule....it is tough. so anyway, here is an email or message or whatever you want to call it. Just gives you an idea on what is going on. and just to clear things up, my brother (jon) got two job offers for jobs he wants in Iowa and is trying to decide which one he wants. I apologize ahead of time for my horrible grammar and everything. I am lazy because...well....because i can be.  So i am thinking about my future. which is awesome, but sucks at the same time. haha. So this year my divorce is going to be finalized. I have so many decisions I have to make regarding job/where to live/daughter....just everything.  I don't know...I might get married again in the future...but i cannot base my decisions on something that MIGHT happen. I live for my little family now....not what it possibly could be in the future. I don't worry about where I am going to live 5 years from now or what school mady will be at then. i am concerned about Mady now, and life now. I don't rely and base decisions on things that could be, but things that are currently.  IF (still a big if...but they just look so amazing and affordable) i get a modular home, it would be in a area i want. I will not make a decision on buying a home or anything until i know what my options are. if nothing sticks out, then obviously God doesn't want me to go that route. If i find a good neighborhood in virginia beach with a lot, then i will choose that. I don't really "care" where it would be at, as long as the area is a good area. I refuse to raise my daughter in a ghetto area or have to worry about her having to play outside or anything. it's just time to move on and be able to rely on me and not have to mooch off of people so much. I am really appreciative of jon and sam, but i just need a place of my own. as much as i hate bills and whatnot, it is a part of life.  also, i don't know where i would i would put mady where i work. I will have to work with my ex's crazy schedule, which some days she works from morning till morning the next day. for example, saturday my ex worked from 8am-1am the next day. her days are every other sunday and monday through wednesday. with her new schedule, she doesn't see mady on sundays (if she does only a couple hours after she works), she doesn't see her on mondays, and only a little on tuesdays. she has wednesdays and thursdays off tho. so everything as far as custody is crazy hectic. I know we will eventually have to change who gets custody what days so it will truly be 50% or joint. idk. my ex is a good mother, and there is no way i can "take mady away" or have full custody. i would love it, but i can't do that to mady or my ex.  i know sam says she has a friend over here that would charge 20/day. of course i would have to interview and background check and talk this over with my ex. if i can get mady potty trained, i can have her in pre-k during work hours. but then me and my ex would have to discuss where mady would go. my ex is very picky about where mady goes. she wants mady to go to some expensive private stuff. which if she can pay for it then fine, but there is nothing wrong with watkins (where all jon and sam's kid went). idk. there is just a lot of discussions i have to have with my ex. i need to know what exactly is going on with jon tho. like what job we will take and when i have to leave and all that jazz. with my ex wanting to live in yorktown, and her jobs are in williamsburg, and my job in newport news, and i wanting to live in virginia beach...it is just a big mess.  i know it will be hard for me to get a job i like anywhere because i have no experience in anything. sure i have 2 associates degrees and about to get a bachelors, but employers want experience. and the only thing i really have experience in is pipefitting, but i definitely do not want to do that as a career. I mean, there is no telling what will happen in the future. for all i know, a job might work out for me in oklahoma in the future or something. idk. i mean, technically, if i had enough money in future, any home can technically be moved from the foundation pending on how it is attached. all i know is i can't base all my decisions on what my future MIGHT be. I need to live in the now and deal with the future when it gets here. it does help to be prepared, but it is worse to be unprepared for the now than unprepared for the possible future. i don't know. i am really happy for jon. i really am.  me and my job are in a love-hate relationship. i love that it pays for my education; i love that i get paid a decent amount, but i hate that i have to wake up every morning and go to a job where my heart isn't in it. i would rather get paid less doing a job i love, then get paid a whole lot doing a job i put up with. all i know is that these question marks need to disappear. this year is already filled with stress/divorce/school/work, i just need something to put me at ease. but i'm just talking to a lot of empty seats right now...so it's all good.