I forced us into this marriage. Whatever happens tomorrow and however long in the future, it is all my fault. I love her so so much, but I cannot see her like this. I just want her to be happy, whatever it takes. This heart of mine is taking a beating. Is it her fault? No, it is both of our faults. It is just so hard to let go, especially when you think you can make everything work. I do not put forth the effort I should in this relationship. She needs to "find herself". I am not necessarily mad, just....sad. Sad that I got us into this. Sad that she feels the way she does. Sad that her relationship with her family is not what it should be. Sad that she is sad. There is one thing I hate more than anything in the world, and that is to see the ones I love crying. It brings so many painful tears to my eyes to know that someone I love is hurt or sad. Let it be known that I cannot fix all my mistakes. I wish I could. I wish I knew what to do so I can just make all of this better. She is my first true love and I just do not want to let go. But sometimes in life, we don't get what we want. I do not want her to live a life that she does not want to live. Sure we are just on this planet for a little bit until we all go to heaven and praise the Almighty God, but I do not want this one life we live on earth to be a "waste" in anyone's eyes.
Dear God,
Lord, I need You when the sea of life is calm.
O Lord, I need You when the wind is blowing strong.
Whether trials come or cease, keep me always on my knees.
Lord, I need You. Lord I need You.
This song by Ron Hamilton says so much. Pay close attention to the third line. "Whether trials come or cease..." This has been my life story for a bit. I have so many problems and worries, but then they disappear for a bit, and then they reappear. This roller coaster is making me sick -- physically, mentally, and emotionally. I just want to get off this roller coaster and go home.
This life stuff is just too hard many times....
I just love her too too much.
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